Debt Doesn't Determine Your Financial Health--Your Attitude Does

I probably should be really upset about our finances and the economy, but I'm not.

Maybe my lack of panic has something to do with finally emerging from my insane quest to conquer the Pit of Despair which had also been doubling as my bedroom for the past two years. (And, yes, my quest was most triumphant, but not without much swearing, sore muscles, and curses on my husband who was out-of-town at the time of my ambitious endeavor.) It could be the euphoria of finally tackling what felt like the impossible, or it could just be that I'm just too darn exhausted to wrap my mind around reality. Or maybe I'm just being dumb about it all.

(And I'm not even thinking about the side-room off the bedroom that didn't get tackled.)

In any case, I'm feeling pretty good.

Today, as I looked over the spreadsheets that outlined our debts, I realized that none of our positives--our very small retirement, home equity, and value of the cars--were financially enumerated. Granted, the cars depreciate and, in this economy, so do housing values, but they are not worth nothing. My college education cannot be repossessed, and it gives me earning power if I need to go back to full-time work outside the home in addition to my current freelance work.

My house needs many repairs that I cannot afford to do for a few years. However, I live in a rural area surrounded by farms and, across the street, an empty field that once had a house that was in such disrepair that the children of the grandparents who once lived in it dug a hole and pushed the entire house into it. (Seriously, I am not kidding...they came with two backhoes--one dug the hole and one knocked the house down and pushed it in. They were finished in a matter of hours.) I'm in the fortunate position that, in my case, I have one of the nicest homes on the street...I don't have to worry about keeping up with the Joneses. (Okay, I still cringe over the siding...I admit, I don't want people thinking that my family is a bunch of hillbillies just because my house is one step up from the one in Green Acres.) This ol' house may not look like much, but it has a newer roof that keeps us dry, new plumbing and heating that keeps us warm, large rooms, and a six-acre playground for the kids.

I've been sorting through all the hand-me-downs for the kids. As I'm surrounded by piles of clothes it's hard to feel like we are really suffering. When I did the bedroom project I either used Freecycle or the Salvation Army to donate many unused items to others. While I did get a tax receipt for my donation to the Salvation Army, I still thought how lucky I am to be in a position to be giving and not in need. I also found a lot of things that were buried for which we've been looking. Plus, now my bedroom feels like a retreat rather than a place I crash and leave and close the door behind me as quickly as possible.

I could continue on about how we're all healthy and all the great things we can do that doesn't cost much money, etc., but you get the idea so I'll leave it at that.

Lest you think I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person with a sunny disposition, let me assure you: the first thoughts in my head about any situation is usually negative and discouraging. It is so easy to go there.

But "going there" is not productive.

What is productive is looking at the assets you have to work with and start from there. Yes, sometimes you don't have enough assets to get you where you need to go. Yes, it's perfectly normal to be sad and angry and depressed about it. But, ultimately, you've got to do something about it; sad and angry and depressed won't change anything for you or the situation.

Everyone has assets. How are you using yours? You might think they are so insignificant they aren't worth remembering. But that attitude will not serve your life. Don't belittle any of them; each in its own way can add value.

Today, instead of reviewing all your challenges you've got to get through for the day, week, month, year, etc., first make a list of all your assets--your talents, your resources, your blessings, etc. Then, look to see how those assets can help you solve your problems.

Like I said, our family--along with just about everyone in the country--is facing a financial brick wall. I certainly am very concerned about it. My husband is stressed and nervous. But I also see it as a challenge to overcome, one that won't ultimately kill us. I also figure I may as well have some fun with it. Yup, you read that right...fun! It's a project...how creative can I be to solve this problem? Can I think outside the box and come up with new ideas? If I were someone else, how would I see this problem? Instead of thinking about the levels of deprivation we may need to go to, I think instead of how I can beat the system. I am an educated, creative woman...I should apply my joy of learning and researching skills to fix or at least manage the issue. Again, I'm not Pollyanna about this. However, I am making a decision about my attitude. I can be depressed or determined. Which one is preferable?

Ultimately, I'm pig-headed. In this case, I hope it as an asset.

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Mom Bloggers: They're Not Who--Or What--You Think

So much for stereotypes.

Mothers are stereotyped by society, the media, and even by mothers themselves. You get a visual when you hear the names “Stay-At-Home-Mom,” “Working Mom,” “Soccer Mom,” “Power Mom,” and “Add-Your-Favorite-Label” here; it’s a quick and easy way to describe a woman and her so-called position in society. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. It may not be something we like to admit, but it’s the truth. We all label people.

Stereotypical labels “stick” because there is some element of truth to them, even if not every person placed in the category entirely fits the stereotype.

However, for what may be the first time in history, society and the media just may be getting one stereotype completely, 100% wrong right from the beginning…as in, there is no element of truth to what they think the majority of qualities of a particular class of women is.

I’m referring, of course, to the “Mommy Blogger.”

Socialnomics claims that there are roughly two million blogs in existence at the moment. Not all of these are “mom blogs,” but a significant amount are. You’d think with an overall blog number that high there would be a ton of competition among bloggers for audience, traffic, influence, etc.

However, ask yourself:
• How many people do you know in your family and within your circle of friends who currently blog?
• How many people give you quizzical looks when you try to explain why you blog, your blog’s purpose, or why you would even spend time on something like this?
• How many people, once they start following your blog or get a twitter account, start turning to blogs as a significant source of information? (By this I mean news, household decorating, finance, parenting, etc.)

For something that is so popular and rapidly expanding, it is amazing how many people still do not understand the purpose, influence, and role of a blog community.

Blogging is still an emerging phenomenon. It’s both hot and misunderstood at the same time.

I believe this is going to change. Soon.

In the meantime, the media—as well as businesses and advertisers and PR firms—are quickly trying to grasp the rise and influences of bloggers, blog communities, and networks.

And, as so many blogs are written by women—and, as a significant portion of the female population also happen to be mothers—these traditional outlets are trying to understand this emerging market by tying the movement to a stereotype. And, so, they have created the stereotype of the “mommy blogger:” a woman, usually educated, with too much time on her hands, finding something to occupy herself while she navigates housework and playdates and sometimes jobs, who thinks her children walk on water as she posts picture after picture of her little saints and shleps for advertisers to let her peddle things like yogurt and barbeque sauce to validate the importance of her blog’s influence and her personal importance.

(For those of you who attended Bloggy Boot Camp, I deliberately chose yogurt and barbeque sauce in homage to The Sits Girls. Only on a blog can you enjoy an inside joke shared by people spread out throughout the country.)

As we “mommy bloggers” know, these people are so, so wrong.

Certainly, there are some mothers whose blogs consist primarily of pictures of their children and postings of what the family did that day. For some, blogging is just a way to keep family members who live far away apprised of what is happening in their lives. I think of it like the holiday newsletter, just written more frequently. There is nothing wrong with this type of blog; it fills a purpose for many people. For (a few) others, blogging is a way to be a micro-celebrity; these people really do think others are or will be fascinated by their personal lives. Some of these blogs are indeed popular, for a variety of reasons; however, while their popularity (deservedly) boosts them to the top of a Google search inquiry, that does not infer that all mommy blogs share the same mission.

Right now, the only thing which makes a blog a “mommy blog” is the fact that the writer is a woman with kids. The content, audience, and purpose of the blog does not come into play…and that is why society and the media is getting the stereotype all wrong.

The mother who blogs, more often than not, has something to say and something worth contributing.

The “mommy blogger” is a savvy, intelligent, creative woman who likes to write about something that interests her…and that isn’t limited to housework and child-rearing.

I can turn to blogs to gain knowledge about investing, body building, finding discounts on clothing and entertainment, politics, home remodeling, career developments, organizing, writing, medical advancements, and so much more.

A “mommy blogger” is a smart entrepreneur. While most women blog for the community, for the enjoyment of writing, and to explore that which interests them, many are making money at this. Compare this to those other stereotypical “mommy hobbies” like scrapbooking or tole painting…who wouldn’t prefer a hobby that has the potential to pay? (Now, please, don’t start accusing me of being against moms who scrap or paint or bake or sew or whatever…I didn’t say that, that wasn’t my point, and I’m not, so let’s not go there, okay?)

And, as I learned this past Saturday, women bloggers who attend blog conferences are not morons wasting their money on something that could be learned for free. Every single woman I met at the Bloggy Boot Camp conference already knew a heck of a lot of basic information about blogging, and some even knew much more. The women at this conference were smart people looking to learn more…to increase their knowledge, to try out and share ideas with others, to take their current work to the next level by being able to discuss the topic with people who get it. Personally, I found $89 for a weekend of learning to be relatively inexpensive.

(To ironically compare it to a stereotypical mom activity…I thought it no different than taking a cake decorating class, for which my local Michael’s Crafts charges $40 for six hours of instruction. When I took that class I had already learned some of the decorating techniques for free via books and the internet, but I still struggled with things like making roses and writing text without the icing breaking in the middle of a letter. It made a huge difference to work with someone in person to say, “No, not quite like that, try this…” or “You’d be better off using this tool, and don’t waste your money buying that one, it doesn’t work very well….” Such was Bloggy Boot Camp for me…some was indeed repetitive, but even the repeated knowledge was expanded in new ways. I never put down wanting to learn more and striving to do better with any aspect in one’s life. Education is always a good thing.)

“Mommy bloggers” are not who--or what--you think they are.

They're better.

And we're shaping social media.

Look out.

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I Went to Bloggy Boot Camp, and All I Got Was...

...a lot more than I expected.

First, if you are a blogger thinking a blog conference doesn't have anything that will really help you with your blog goals--whatever those goals may be--that you couldn't find online for free; or if you're thinking that a blog conference--especially one for mom bloggers--is nothing more than a bunch of boring housewives sitting around talking about the next best way to write about their kids and their boring lives and how you can make money doing it...well, let me assure you, that is not the case with Bloggy Boot Camp, the conference sponsored by The Sits Girls.

How often have you had a question about blogging, went online to search for the answers, and found some that mostly gave you the information you needed but still left you clueless?

How many times have you told someone about your blog, only to have that person look at you as though you have snakes coming out of your ears as you tried to describe why on earth you would even do such a thing?

Have you ever thought that, even though you email, post, and tweet with your online acquaintances, you are just alone in your blogging quest, hobby, passion, or pursuit?

Then the Bloggy Boot Camp conferences are definitely for you.

Here is what I got out of going to the conference in Baltimore on Saturday:

How to Really Make SEO Work. While I do not blog for "the numbers" or to become the next big internet hit (although I wouldn't decline the opportunity if it happened), I also know that no one will know if I'm writing anything at all unless I let people know about my blog. I knew that catchy titles increase your traffic, but I never thought about renaming my pictures with effective keywords. Subtitles? Rarely use them...but those, too, if well phrased, can bring in additional readers.

Yes, Wordpress is Better. This one has bothered me for a long, long time. I've been using Blogger for a year now just fine. I finally figured out how to write my own code. I use Intense Debate for my comments instead of the generic Blogger system...and I don't use word verification. But I've been watching people making the switch from Blogger to Wordpress, and, other than a generic "It's better," I could never get a definitive reason why I would want to go through the hassle. Now I have two: one, Blogger can remove my content at any time, whereas that won't happen with a self-hosted Wordpress blog; and, two, SEO--Google and other search engines pick up keywords more frequently with Wordpress than with Blogger. Okay, I'm sold.

Just Because I Blog for Free, Doesn't Mean My Time is Not Valuable. PR companies and businesses are much more interested about approaching bloggers--especially mom bloggers--for their advertising needs. They understand that women are more likely to buy a product if they get a recommendation from a friend than if you just see an ad in a magazine or on television. Companies also understand that women make most of the household financial decisions, plan family vacations, and have more control over how each family's income is spent. They want and need us. However, we shouldn't act like housewives so desperate for a sponsor that we will offer giveaways and write reviews if there is very little in it for us; we are busy, smart, savvy women, and need to keep that in mind when working with PR who, from their business perspective, want to get as much "bang for their advertising buck" and get us to do as much work as possible for as little as possible. Tiffany Romero made four statements that really say it best:

• "Being a mom is hot,it's trendy,& it's in style."
• "We can validate ourselves enough. We don't need PR companies to do it for us."
• "At some point our time and our work is worth money. It's capitalism, plain and simple"
• "Women own social media. Know your worth."

You Are a Brand, Even if You Don't Think You Are. Everything on your blog represents who you are--or, at the very least, it represents your online persona. You know that what you put on the internet stays on the internet, and that isn't limited to your comments, your tweets, or your pictures. What you have on your blog speaks volumes about who and what you represent. When you display a blog community badge, you are affiliating yourself with every blog in that community and what the community reflects. Who you list in your blogroll reflects back on you. Who you follow on twitter--same thing. Most importantly, stay out of the mama drama! Keep your head above it all. You do have some control over how others view your blog...don't lose that control.

Transparency Does Not Mean Telling All. You can be open and honest in your posts, but you do not have to share every intimate thing about you.

Finally, It's Your Choice How Much You Blog and How Much You Twitter. There are no rules here. You should not feel guilty for not "doing enough" for your blog, for not posting every day, for not following up on each and every comment. Decide what you are going to do on/with your blog, and do it well. Do not spread yourself thin in several directions. If you need to, have a couple of different blogs that address different topics or goals. Again, I'll quote Tiffany: ""There is never a time to be overwhelmed by doing free work."

So these are just a few highlights of things I learned at Bloggy Boot Camp. I didn't even touch on the networking, or the fantastic women bloggers I met--too many to give shout-outs to, but each and every one was smart, friendly, encouraging, and generous in their support. Originally I had thought I'd just go to the one conference this year, but now I'm seriously considering attending Bloggy Boot Camp in Philadelphia in September. I know it will definitely be worth my time.

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Yet Another News Article About Mothers "Measuring Up"

On Tuesday, Sacramento Bee writer Niesha Lofing published an article titled “Regular Moms Under Pressure to be 'Hot,' Too” Lofing states, “As if modern moms aren't under enough pressure to be successful career women, good nurturers and great wives, now they've got to look fabulous doing it, too.”

This is something new? Really? Because I thought mothers were under pressure to be perfect in every way all the bleedin’ time.

The article quotes mom-blogger Meggan Rush-Ravazzolo (MegansMom), lamenting that mothers have enough to do as it is without trying to be hot and sexy about it. "Isn't enough demanded of us as it is? We have to be great moms, we have to be fit moms, we have to be everything, and the pace to keep up is ridiculous."

She’s right…trying to keep up with mothers who have personal assistants, maids, chauffeurs, beauticians who come to their homes to do their hair, nannies, and personal trainers IS ridiculous. It can’t be done. Any reasonable mother knows this. And, yes, it extremely frustrating to be held to these ideals…and hurtful when we can’t live up to them, especially if anyone thinks we should.

The article continues: “Rush-Ravazzolo said she, along with many moms she knows, misses being stylish and wants to feel good about herself but would rather strive to be a healthy mom than a hot one.”

Well, a healthy mom IS a hot, sexy mom.

And why, if you miss being “stylish,” are you letting that go in your life?

If mothers are our children’s first teachers, shouldn’t dressing “stylishly” (which, to me, means dressing decently and not going out in sweats or my pajamas, not necessarily dressing in the newest styles or even to the nines) be something we do to teach our children the importance of having respect for themselves and you? When we dress our children up and neglect ourselves, we teach them that we do not respect ourselves very much…so, ultimately, why should they when they get older? The self-sacrifice message isn’t doing anything for the kids, and only making us feel like martyrs. How is this helping anyone?

(Now, don’t confuse self-respect with narcissism. Sometimes the kids do have to come first, and you need to buy them clothes before you update your wardrobe, and finances may be tight and you have to prioritize your choices, or you have a crazy day and it’s all you can do to feed everyone. It happens. But it shouldn’t happen all the time, and not at the expense of you having no self at all.)

I think the article confuses “hot” and “sexy” with Hollywood beauty, which no one can live up to…including Hollywood stars. (Don’t believe me? Then take a look at this slide show of stars without their make-up. They look like us.)

Confidence is sexy. Happiness is sexy. Not nagging your husband is sexy.

Not taking your child to school while still dressed in your pajamas is sexy.

To be a good mom, you have to first be a good person…which means taking care of yourself, too.

Is that too much pressure?

As many mothers know, yes, that is too much pressure. We’re pushed to the limit every day just by the nature of our jobs. But, you know, life is tough. Life isn’t fair. Life is what it is. We can chose to whine about it or do the best we can with it.

So then the article switches to discussing the “pressures” out there for mothers. First cited is Kristen Chase's new book "The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex: A No-Surrender Advice Book for Naughty Moms." Funny thing is, after reporting in a semi-scandalous tone that the book leaves no sex issue unturned, the author states: “Sex tips aside, a good portion of the book is focused on helping moms build self-esteem.” (Emphasis added.)

Oh, yeah…self-respect, the very same thing I’ve been writing about for over a year that all women need. It’s not just about sex, but self-esteem, that the book pushes.

And self-respect isn’t limited to sex. If you have it, sex—and parenting and relationships and careers and friendships—are better.

Hmmmm…..

Yes, the media, Hollywood, businesses, etc. are going to push Madonna and Michelle Obama and Heidi Klum as the ideal to which to aspire. It’s their business. It’s how they’re making money.

And, so long as women buy the stuff, the media/Hollywood/businesses are going to go about doing exactly what they do. Don’t blame them for the fact that you read the magazines, watch the shows, and buy the products. We feed into it just as much as they dish it out.

But, wait, there's more... and maybe the media is getting it right this time....

Lofing writes almost accusingly that Redbook says in its recent issue that “actress and mother of two Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks `hotter at 49 than 29.'" Remember when we used to complain that, once a woman reached thirty, she was considered over-the-hill and not worthy of being mentioned as good-looking? Okay, so now we have the media saying “Look at these gorgeous older women,” and we’re still complaining. ?!?!?

“In Babytalk magazine, a headline screams `Pregnancy is HOT.’” Well, we all know that pregnancy stinks, but, honestly, I’d rather we get encouragement for our bloated, wobbling, aching bodies than reading another article whining about how uncomfortable being pregnant is.

Being a mother is complicated. Isn’t it?

Here is the only place where I disagree with Rush-Ravazzolo: striving to be a “hot” mom is NOT about the “sexualization of motherhood. “ It is the celebration of moms being women in addition to being mothers, of not getting so wrapped up in putting children first that you lose yourself (including your sexuality in addition to everything else) and your relationship in the process.

I want to be a fabulous mom. And, yes, I want to look good—and feel good—doing it, without sacrificing my family to do it.

Can it be done? Maybe not perfectly. But I’m going to try.

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Prepping for a Blog Conference, Professional Family Manager Style

First, a disclaimer: I have never been to a blog conference before, so if you've come here to find out the definitive answer as to what to take to a blog conference, you are in the wrong place.

So I'm going to my first blog conference--The SITS Girls' Bloggy Boot Camp--in Baltimore on Saturday. I wrote about why this typically loner girl is going yesterday.

One of the thoughts I've had is that people will finally be able to put a face to my blog. People will meet "The Professional Family Manager." They will finally get to see that the person writing the blog...doesn't quite measure up to the blog.

Ooooops.

I am so not a perfect person. I'm certainly not a perfect "Professional Family Manager." All I can do is walk the talk as best as I can, working--a la Benjamin Frankin style--to constantly improve myself. I figured if I waited until I completely had my act together I'd never make it to any conference, 'cause it just isn't going to happen. And I'm okay with that. Really. Most of the time, at least. (When I'm not okay with it...well, that's what coffee and chocolate and wine is for, right?)

With three days left to go, I've been thinking of things that might be useful going to a conference. It's been years since I've had to go to anything like this; I've had to step out of "mommy-mode" and get back into "business mode." Okay, so this is a blogging conference...it's about getting to know people and having fun as much as learning, but I'm still coming at it professionally. After all, I'm the Professional Family Manager, right?

So I went shopping. :-)

Okay, so I've completely used the excuse of the conference to shop. I admit it. Which is funny, because, typically, I hate shopping, unless there is a perfectly good reason for it.

(My twelve-year-old, the proud owner of one Juicy Couture bag, which she prizes above all other of her possessions--although she laments that the only "designer" she could afford is Juicy Couture--would argue that there is always a good reason to shop. She's very disappointed in me.)

But, even if I don't always have my act together, I certainly prefer to look like I have my act toether, instead of looking like a frazzled, harried mother...especially when I am away on "business."

Here's what I snagged:

A new laptop bag. My other one was from WalMart. It looked like it was from WalMart, and I've despisedit, but it was utilitarian and did the job. I found this leather one...at Sam's Club. (Yeah, I'm really hitting the big stores, aren't I?) I know there isn't internet access in the conference area itself, but I don't feel comfortable leaving my laptop in my hotel room.
A business card holder. Not for my business cards--yup, I've got those--but for your business cards! With a hundred bloggers in attendance, I figured I'm going to collect a few of them, and I don't want to lose any of them! I found this on sale at Staples for $7.99...also leather. It holds 128 business cards. (This will also make a nice souvenir for myself of my trip.)

A soft leather padfolio. I wanted something nice with which to take notes and stylishly keep all the handouts together:

Oh, and remember these from the Sexy New Girlfriend challenge? Well, I'm wearing 'em.
Did I need any of this? Well, I probably could have gotten away with not buying anything new. But it sure feels professional to have it.

And these are not things I'll keep on the shelf. I'm going to use the laptop bag and the padfolio for everything from my freelance work to PTA meetings (yes, I'm a former homeschooling parent on the district PTA, I'm nuts, I know) and to school and club meetings. I'm not going to save them for "special occasions." What could be more special than living my own life?

But, hey, I'm glad for Bloggy Boot Camp being my reason to buy them now.

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Why a Social Cripple is Going to a Social Media Blog Conference

Hello. My name is Michele, and I am a social cripple.

And I will be meeting many of you this Saturday at SITS Girls' Bloggy Boot Camp in Baltimore.

Okay, so maybe I'm not socially crippled. Socially handicapped? Hmmmm... socially challenged? Well, how about this: if you're looking for the life of the party, chances are I'm not it.

It isn't that I am anti-social...or shy...(or a homicidal maniac or one of those creepy people who stare at you from across the room or say random, freaky things, I promise)...I just don't know what to do with myself in social settings.

I'm the woman The Mother writes about in You're Not Alone, You're Just a Loner. I live on a hobby farm in the middle of nowhere, perfectly content to work and write from my small home office and not see anyone besides my family or my good friends for weeks at a time.

And, yet, I signed up to attend Bloggy Boot Camp within three minutes of learning about it.

Going to a social media conference is so outside of anything I'd normally do--and is so outside my comfort zone--that it has surprised a few people that I'm going...myself included.

One reason why I am going is because I do not want to let fear get in the way of anything I want to do. I grew up with family members who were afraid to do anything lest they failed, and they became an example for me of what not to do with my life. They also had a victim mentality; everything was someone else's fault why they couldn't act and make changes for themselves. I so do not want to be a person with regrets for not doing what I was perfectly capable of doing for myself that, if I feel even a hint of fear, I'll make myself do it.

I'm going because I am fascinated with the whole idea of social media. Our social world is changing; the traditional methods of communicating and advertising are evolving quickly. This is our new world reality, and I don't want to be one of those left struggling to keep up:



I'm attending because I am a writer. I am a better writer due to reading, commenting on, and corresponding with other writers. Yes, bloggers are writers. I find many blog authors significantly more articulate and creative than many paper-published writers; the fact that many bloggers are not paid or otherwise compensated for their writing does not diminish or negate their work in any way. (Besides, few paper-published authors earn enough of an income from their books alone with which to support themselves; the fact that you paid money for a book does not mean that the author sees much of that cash in his or her own wallet.) I enjoy talking with other writers and learning about their inspiration, their techniques, their frustrations, their motivations, and their personalities. I am always inspired being around intelligent, creative people. I want to enjoy conversations with others who share my interests and passions.

I'm going because, after a year of casual blogging, I'm still a novice blogger. I don't know if I want to be anything other than a novice blogger--this is indeed my hobby, not my career--but, as with any hobby, I certainly want to be getting better at it rather than stagnating. Thus far blogging has cost me a whopping ten dollars for a domain name; I figure paying for the conference, the room, gas, and meals will cost less than what I'd pay over the course of a year if my hobby were scrapbooking, photography, skiing, painting, sewing, etc.

I am going because it's an opportunity to have a vacation from being a mom. I'm hoping that the time spent working on my hobby will refresh me and return me home a more patient, attentive, and effective mother. I'm even looking forward to the drive down to Baltimore...I can listen to anything I want on my iPhone and on the radio without commentary or criticism from my children. I'm going to be in a hotel room all by myself; I'm going to have two full nights of rest and sleep in on Sunday.

I am going because I want to meet many of the people behind the blogs.

(I'm even going to wear the boots I bought for the Sexy New Girlfriend Challenge.)

So while I'm nervous about putting my own face to my blog, and while I'll probably spend a few moments hyperventilating before I actually walk into the conference, and while I haven't the faintest idea what one is supposed to do at one of these things, I can't wait to go...and meet you all.

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Choosing Dates Over Therapy

Seriously...why should I pay a therapist eighty to a hundred dollars for forty-five minutes of his or her time listening to me complain about my marriage problems or all the things about my husband that irritate me, when I can spend that much or much less out on the town actually enjoying my husband or, if need be, talking to him face-to-face in a pleasant place about things which need to be resolved?

Don't get me wrong--I'm not saying therapy is bad or can't be helpful!

But I have been wondering lately if we took more time to play, to be attentive to each other, to not get stuck in the ruts of the day-to-day essentials where each and every day is just like the other, if we didn't pick on each other in frustration, if we stopped complaining about the things that irritate us because we're tired and stressed and don't care how insignificant it really is because we're just on the verge of snapping...if we valued our relationship enough to make time for it, even if only an hour a week, just something...if couples couldn't avoid more therapy and divorce.

I don't want my husband to forget the woman he married. Heck, I don't want to forget the woman he married! I want to both feel great about the person I am and have a husband who looks forward to coming home to both me and the kids at the end of the day. I want my husband to know that I love him for being more than a breadwinner and a great father...I want him to know I love him because he is a great person and a man...my man! I want my children growing up seeing a loving relationship between two people, not just two people living together and trying to raise kids.

Okay, so, before you start thinking "This woman is nuts--I don't have time or money to go out, and certainly no time to get dressed up, and I doubt I own anything that hasn't been spit up on, and my husband couldn't even remember to take the trash out with him on his way to the car this morning and I really don't feel close to him at the moment, and how am I supposed to add this to all the things I already do?" hear (or read) me out just a moment more.

There have been so many times when I have been absolutely furious with my husband, or the last thing I wanted to do was spend time with his bad mood, or thought that if I'm nice to him when he's being a jerk it will only send the message that it's okay if he acts that way with me, and why should I be nice when he owes me. He and I have had some big bumps along the way, and there were several times I thought of just throwing in the towel, so to speak.

I've also had days where I thought planning anything special with my husband was just one more "chore" to add to my ever-growing list of things to get done, and I often felt resentful that I had to do the work. Why didn't he think of it?

At some point I recognized something we all say but rarely do: I'm not going to change him, but I can change myself and my attitude. Rather than think, "Why should I? He's not making an effort," I decided to make myself happy and stop waiting for someone else to do it. It wasn't just a matter of being nice or doing something nice for him... it was taking care of and respecting myself. Funny thing...when I started to do that for myself, my husband started being nicer to me.

There are certainly times and situations where therapy is warranted get over difficult trials in a marriage. I also think there are just some rotten husbands husbands out there--the abusers and such. A few dates won't change those circumstances.

For many relationships, remembering why the two of you got married in the first place and spending some time having fun can foster closeness and make it a little easier getting through the tough times. I do know that, in my case, once I started (first) taking care of myself and (then) giving some attention to my husband--whether I felt like he "deserved" it or not--my marriage improved.

We have an unusual marriage situation at the moment--he works out-of-state, a good five hours away, so he has an apartment near his employer and lives there during the week. This means I do not see him at all except on the weekends, and sometimes only every other weekend. Any time that he's in town means competition for who is going to get his time--me, the kids, the house, car repairs, etc. Our current living arrangement also places a strain on our finances; we were just making do taking care of one household...now we have two. There isn't any money for vacations or extravagant dates out.

So often our "date" consists of having dinner together in the kitchen once a week after all the kids have gone to bed and he arrives home around eleven at night. The kids know that we're having "couple time," and the older two have remarked a few times that they think it's "sweet." And, yes, I'm dressed up, and my husband wears his work clothes (shirt and tie). Okay, cheesy, and my husband and I laugh about it, but that's part of the fun.

Sometimes we do venture out...we have several small, cute local restaurants and lounges in the small town not far from our rural home. We've had several discussions over a glass of wine about our challenges, our fears, our dreams, and the fun things we're doing separately. We also play together. Once I got a fifty-percent discount coupon for bowling. Neither one of us can bowl, and we spent the evening laughing hysterically at how bad we were...and having a great time! Sometimes we even just go shopping without the kids, stopping to get a coffee while we're out.

Not too long ago I was talking to a friend who asked me, "I thought money was tight for you right now...how can you afford to go out with your husband?" I told her spending fifteen dollars for two drinks and a tip once a month was much less expensive than the alternatives...that we could end up estranged and in therapy or worse. She thought I was nuts. Maybe I am. But my marriage is better now that we date than when we were both letting work and kids come first, and my children are happier because their parents don't argue as much as they used to. I call that a good thing.

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Just Because the Computer is There...

When did these two things happen?

1)Many people now expect you not only to answer your home phone/cell phone immediately, but to answer email immediately, respond to Facebook messages immediately, read every single tweet immediately, and otherwise be available all the time.

2)We feel guilty if we are not immediately answering our home phones/cell phones, receiving and reading all email as soon as it is sent, continuously logged into Facebook, reading and sending tweets, and are not immediately available to everyone who needs or wants us.

Technology has improved our lives in so many ways. It’s also sucking the life out of us.

I’ll be the first to admit that I have no idea how I managed before I got my iPhone; it’s with me all the time, even when I’m walking through the house.

And when I was without my computer consistently for two weeks while I was trying to solve the virus and rebooting issues, I felt as though I had an appendage amputated. Not just my financial livelihood but most of my communications are now done via the internet.

But, just as I refuse to be a slave to the phone, I also refuse to be tied to my laptop and the internet.

I’ve divided my day into four parts. First is my morning, when I’m getting myself ready for the day and getting the children ready for school. Next is my office time, when I focus on my part-time job and/or my blog, depending on how much freelance work I have to do. Then I have a block of time beginning an hour before the children get off the bus to bedtime, where I get the house in order and do my “mom” duties. Finally there’s my short amount of time after the children are in bed, when I will choose if I need to catch up on some cleaning, finish some freelance work, write for or read some blogs, read a book, take a relaxing shower, exercise…in short, do what I want or what is really, really pressing.

Basically, I have a six-hour block of time during the day when I read email (usually as it comes in when I’m working on the laptop), answer email, post Facebook updates, blog, and even tweet. (Although that is easier to do quickly on the iPhone, so long as I don’t get sidetracked from the other stuff that needs doing.)

If everything electronic doesn’t get finished in that block of time…it’s likely not getting finished until the next day.

I know this isn’t how Type-A America is supposed to function. I’m supposed to not only juggle it all, but be willing to juggle it all.

I’m not doing either.

I’m no longer checking email before I jump in the shower. I’m not going to feel bad when I see that someone sent me an email at 4:30 PM the day before and I didn’t get it until 9:00 AM the next day. I’m not compromising family time or personal time to take care of someone else’s desire, unless it is a real emergency.

I'm respecting my work-at-home hours.

I’m not trying to ignore the world. I’m just managing my time.

Unfortunately, it’s limited.

(And, by the way, if I send you an email or comment on your blog or something and I don't hear back from you right away, don't worry about it. I understand. Really. I'll wait for my turn.)

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I'm Taking Sexy Back

On Thursday, Housewife Bliss issued a seven-day challenge: to become your husband's sexy new girlfriend in seven days.

Because this challenge was fun and not one of those "clean up your house in seven days" or "lose ten pounds in seven days" chore challenges, I was immediately all for it. I like positive challenges.

Not that the idea that wives are still living, breathing women with needs ranging from personal to professional to sexual is foreign to me. Almost a year ago I wrote about men, sex, and mothers, and how easy it is to lose ourselves in our work as mothers and let ourselves go. In May I wrote about seeing a mother who obviously was caring for her family but appeared to have little left for herself.

And, of course, I'm all for having self-respect, which includes celebrating my feminine side.

I liked this idea because it isn't just about doing something for a man...it's equally about doing something for yourself; by taking care of yourself first, you are by extension taking care of your guy. Self-respect is not selfish...it's necessary. It's completely a win-win situation.

If this challenge were simply "Do Everything You Can to Please Your Man and Pretend to Be Something You're Not in Seven Days," well, this blog post would be on a completely different topic.

The Mother was correct in her comment that seven days alone just doesn't cut it. But I figure seven is better than, say, zero.

For my husband it was simply a four-day challenge. My husband works out of state, and it was just a fluke that he was home Thursday night to Sunday night. Also, I did wonder how much of a "challenge" it was if my husband read my blog and saw the post. (He does read my blog from time to time, but I never know when that is going to be.)

For me, however, it's a daily thing, because it's not about making temporary changes, but about how I'm choosing to live my life as a woman, wife, and mother.

So, how did it go?

Well, for most of the weekend, I was a "girlfriend." Everything the two of us did together over the weekend was fun and playful. Nothing we discussed was stressful. It was truly a lot of fun.

And, yes, I do mean, a lot of fun. ('Nuff said, right?)

Like any mentally-healthy girlfriend I wasn't all about my guy 24/7. I went out with friends on Saturday night. Yes, I went out with the ladies during my girlfriend challenge, and I don't in any way think that this was not in keeping with the challenge. Why? Because my husband married an independent, free-thinking, self-sufficient woman, not a cling-on. While he may be on the top of my list of the most important things in my life, he is not my entire life. When we both have breathing space, when we both pursue our individual interests, and both support each other having individual interests, we are better people towards each other...not perfect, but certainly better.

Let's see...the shaving part of the challenge? Well, that one wasn't new to me. My razors, wax strips, and my EpiLady (remeber those from the 80's?) are good friends of mine...otherwise I'd resemble a chimp.

Make-up? Just bought myself some Clinique two weeks ago. (And I bought it from Sally, too, believe it or not.) I wear some makeup every day, so that part wasn't hard...I just put on a little more.

But then, there was the shopping challenge.

Okay, so my friends can attest that, in the past few years, no one has expanded her wardrobe more than I have. Granted, I started out with zero, and no one can accuse me of not knowing where the good sales are (except for Clinique, but I can have one weakness, can't I?), but I am not by any means clothes-deprived. A very good friend introduced me to the miracle of the Miracle Bra. (Yeah, it works and is worth every bleedin' penny, especially after breastfeeding three kids. I'll take all the non-surgical help I can get in that department, thank you very much.)

But, hey, it's supposed to be a challenge, right?

So I went completely out of my comfort zone and bought these boots:(On sale, regularly $110, I got them for $19.95.)

My husband really, really liked them.

So, were there any negatives?

Well, just one minor, itsy-bitsy one....

You see, while I was busy being a sex goddess, the domestic goddess was on holiday.

Ooooops.

Oh, well. Guess I forgot about all that balance stuff.

So, there ends my report on the Sexy New Girlfriend challenge. I fully intend to keep working hard at becoming not just a sexy girlfriend, but a sexy, independent, self-respecting woman. Because, really, what could be sexier than that?

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